When is it okay to reveal a deep, dark secret from your past?
I am not dating Bad Boy, but last night (after I gave in, texted him, and ended up at his house at 2 a.m.) he divulged to me a few things I was not fully comfortable knowing… I understood why he brought it up, as it totally had an effect on his sexuality and the kinks we’re beginning to explore together, but I had to stop him in the middle of his THIRD story about this secret and tell him, “Hey, I have no problem talking about this, but it doesn’t turn me on, and so maybe during sex isn’t the best time?”
Considering he wanted to fetishize it, it made me really uncomfortable. And even though I told him we should talk about it later, I am not his girlfriend and I am not his therapist and I am not responsible for this “deep, dark secret.”
It wasn’t weird enough for me to stop fucking him. After all, once I asked him to stop talking about it, he did. For some people, it might have been the kind of thing to send them running for the door, but I am not your usual sex partner. If it gets brought up again, then I would probably approach it in a more serious manner, but for now, I just want to let it go far, far away from my mind.
I admit I have indulged the need to talk and have whispered secrets I maybe shouldn’t have shared about my past. The Performer and I actually had a really deep conversation about dark things that had happened to us that I was not even aware I was okay with sharing (especially not with someone I might never see again). But it was the kind of beautiful moment that left both of us teared up and holding one another, not wondering if sanity has temporarily fled the mind.
So what do you think?
(Just so you know, the rest of the night was fucking AWESOME, as was this morning/afternoon, so it didn’t put a damper on the sex, but it did get me thinking.)
I’d never do that sort of thing in a true casual or short term relationship, it’d be completely the wrong thing to do. It’d change the dynamic from a lighthearted sex focused one to one with too much empathy and emotional involvement, in my opinion. It also places a burden on your partner which they don’t deserve in a short term thing. You’re there to fuck, not to deal with the skeletons in your closet!
I agree with you. After all, once it has been said, it can’t be unsaid, and you never know how it might affect your partner. I may be able to keep the dynamic the same, but clearly, it’s still on my mind right now. I’m not sure… I’m going to continue to mull it over and meet with him once more to see if it has really affected things. The rest of the time we spent together was not focused on it and it was absolutely great, sooo… I don’t know!
That is a tough. Someone you are just getting to know will probably run away at the thought of someone opening up so soon.
A significant other of many years, which one assumes should be able to take it all in, might not be able to handle what the dark sexual secret is. Especially if it leads to the relationship ending.
And a one night stand, who might not know you at all to give you sought out feedback, may serve you some good to get things off your chest. Like a one time sexual shrink.
In your case, it now sits in the back of your mind and as much as you try and overlook the fact you had that discussion, it will come back to bug you until resolved. Oh the human mind.
It’s all about both of your comfort levels. If he reveals something and it doesn’t bother you, fine; if you do the same and he’s cool with it, no problem.
After that, it comes down to respect. You’ve heard enough about his secret and told him so. Good for you for verbalizing your uncomfortableness — and good for him that he respected your wishes for the rest of the night. If it comes up in bed again, I might remind him one last time that you’re not interested in revisiting those detail again. Then it’s up to him. If he can ignore it after a couple of your warnings, that’s a good sign. If he goes there again, well … there’s plenty of other fuckbuddies in the sea.
I voted long term partner/spouse. BUT that said, my (now) husband and I divulged some pretty shocking secrets to each other when we were just becoming friends. Actually w/o any intention of ‘more’ developing.
Both my husband and I were seriously burned in our first marriages and there was no way in hell either of us would go through that again. The ‘fortunate’ thing about that marriage is I learned A LOT about myself and who I wanted to be. And my grounds with my current husband as we became friends was, this is ME. ALL OF ME. Like these things about me or don’t. But it’s who I am. And in that process we both shared secrets like you are talking about.
Interesting question!
I agree with Jake, the first poster, when he said that it puts the burden on the person at the receiving end of this information. Suddenly they are expected to “understand” or worse, “accept” all of this information and then still have sex, or just still have a normal conversation. Most relationships, sexual or social, don’t survive the first few dates, so I don’t want to know, on our first encounter, all of your baggage, because I don’t want that crap in my head after we decide not to see each other ever again.
I want to remember you as the “cute girl I met at Tony’s party” not “that girl who was abused by her step-dad and sold to an internet sex dealer for her 12th birthday.”
Sometimes TMI is TMI