Comments on: We’re Leaving Things Unsaid

By: advizor54

advizor54 — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 13:32:11 +0000

I agree with Jake, the first poster, when he said that it puts the burden on the person at the receiving end of this information. Suddenly they are expected to “understand” or worse, “accept” all of this information and then still have sex, or just still have a normal conversation. Most relationships, sexual or social, don’t survive the first few dates, so I don’t want to know, on our first encounter, all of your baggage, because I don’t want that crap in my head after we decide not to see each other ever again.

I want to remember you as the “cute girl I met at Tony’s party” not “that girl who was abused by her step-dad and sold to an internet sex dealer for her 12th birthday.”

Sometimes TMI is TMI

By: Vixen

Vixen — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:20:56 +0000

I voted long term partner/spouse. BUT that said, my (now) husband and I divulged some pretty shocking secrets to each other when we were just becoming friends. Actually w/o any intention of ‘more’ developing.

Both my husband and I were seriously burned in our first marriages and there was no way in hell either of us would go through that again. The ‘fortunate’ thing about that marriage is I learned A LOT about myself and who I wanted to be. And my grounds with my current husband as we became friends was, this is ME. ALL OF ME. Like these things about me or don’t. But it’s who I am. And in that process we both shared secrets like you are talking about.

Interesting question!

By: sirgalahard

sirgalahard — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:29:56 +0000

It’s all about both of your comfort levels. If he reveals something and it doesn’t bother you, fine; if you do the same and he’s cool with it, no problem.

After that, it comes down to respect. You’ve heard enough about his secret and told him so. Good for you for verbalizing your uncomfortableness — and good for him that he respected your wishes for the rest of the night. If it comes up in bed again, I might remind him one last time that you’re not interested in revisiting those detail again. Then it’s up to him. If he can ignore it after a couple of your warnings, that’s a good sign. If he goes there again, well … there’s plenty of other fuckbuddies in the sea.

By: Jonathan

Jonathan — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 22:34:23 +0000

That is a tough. Someone you are just getting to know will probably run away at the thought of someone opening up so soon.

A significant other of many years, which one assumes should be able to take it all in, might not be able to handle what the dark sexual secret is. Especially if it leads to the relationship ending.

And a one night stand, who might not know you at all to give you sought out feedback, may serve you some good to get things off your chest. Like a one time sexual shrink.

In your case, it now sits in the back of your mind and as much as you try and overlook the fact you had that discussion, it will come back to bug you until resolved. Oh the human mind.

By: Coquitten

Coquitten — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 21:52:34 +0000

I agree with you. After all, once it has been said, it can’t be unsaid, and you never know how it might affect your partner. I may be able to keep the dynamic the same, but clearly, it’s still on my mind right now. I’m not sure… I’m going to continue to mull it over and meet with him once more to see if it has really affected things. The rest of the time we spent together was not focused on it and it was absolutely great, sooo… I don’t know!

By: Jake

Jake — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 21:38:36 +0000

I’d never do that sort of thing in a true casual or short term relationship, it’d be completely the wrong thing to do. It’d change the dynamic from a lighthearted sex focused one to one with too much empathy and emotional involvement, in my opinion. It also places a burden on your partner which they don’t deserve in a short term thing. You’re there to fuck, not to deal with the skeletons in your closet!